No One Can Really Tell The Truth Like John Walsh

The sun shines a little brighter on Downtown LA as Times Columnist Jim Newton hauls ass for parts unknow


Terribly self- Important Jim Newton hastily departs as LA Times Editor-at-LARGE, getting an awfully tiny Newsroom Farewell.

Jim’s LA Times ink-stained wretched co-workers, barely stifling pure glee at his unceremonious exit, staged a spontaneous low-murmur “Sing Out” once money-grubbing columnist Newton finally disappeared into the down elevator for the absolutely last time:

“We hate to see you go! We hate to see you go! We hope to hell you never come back! We hate to see you go!”

Newton solemnly promises to return to LAT next Spring after finishing the ghosting chores connected to Leon Panetta’s (HO-HUM!) Autobiography.

This menial writing assignment is a real comedown for Author Jim Newton after writing prestigious biographies of Chief Justice Earl Warren and President Dwight Eisenhower.

Imagine being cooped up in a stuffy room with a droning Leon Panetta 8 hours a day, 5 days a week … for months and months.  Jim is really going to earn every dime of the dough Penguin the Publisher is paying him for the sheer torture he’s subjecting himself to!  UGH!

But will there be anything left of The Times by next year for Newton to return to?

The tedious Panetta job he’s leaving for actually pays less than his current Times columnist gig! But you don’t need to be born with 4 legs and rodent facial whiskers to figure out when to abandon a sinking ship like the SS LA TIMES!

Newton is in a special situation over there because his Ball and Chain wife, Ms. Karlene Goller, will stick with her LAT job where she was recently demoted to “Newsroom Counsel”, whatever the hell that means. In any case, Jim remains on her health insurance! That’s what counts!

“Leering Cobra (below) sheds reptile skin and silently slithers away from collapsing Times!”


Jim (Never turn your back on him!) Newton flashes that patented shit-eating grin as  most of his Times co-workers gather to stage before Jim’s very eyes a  deliriously delighted celebration of Newton’s (temporary: maybe? — but hopefully: never ending!) exit from the LA Times Spring Street Bldg.

Check out Newton’s rapidly receding hairline. (Above!) That’s because every time Jim lies, one hair falls out of his scalp!

Next up for Newton: the job of ghostwriting ex- Defense Secretary Leon Panetta’s autobiography for Penguin Press.

And after that comes the job of ghostwriting ex-LA Mayor Villaraigosa’s autobiography for Hustler Magazine!





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This entry was posted on July 20, 2013 by .
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