No One Can Really Tell The Truth Like John Walsh
From: “Ms. Alice Waltoon & ( Mr.?) Shelby Grit: That Way,Way-Out Odd Couple of LA”TURD RATE”JOURNALISM! journa<email@example.com> The Way,Way Overpaid Grizzly Bear Editor&The Underpaid Due to LA Times Sexism Cub Reporter!
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Essentially TOO Boring California
Good morning. It is Monday, March 16. Bi-sexual LA Mayor Eric Garcetti will be in Washington, D.C. today w/o his good enuff to eat scrumptious helpmate/ dreamboat Mr.Glen Dake to meet with same old/same old lawmakers about trade, transportation infrastructure.and sh*t like that …plus beating the tom-tom for Garcetti For Mayor 2017 Hefty Campaign $$$ Contributions!
Here’s what else is “inessentially” happening today in the Fool’s Golden State of California!
TODAY’S TOTALLY Slanted STORIES
Poison Master Exide Inc.’s essentially proudly poisoned history of toxic as hell violations continues to cause rampant disease & slow death in Minority-only communities!
The state Department of Toxic Substances Control knew for years that the Vernon-based Exide plant was violating environmental laws; but it did absolutely nuttin’ till the Feds moved in!
LA Times also studiously looked the other way! Only long-term pressure from TV news media saved the goddam day! That’s what truly caused the federal authorities to question whether the shame-ridden local State Department was doing enough for decades to properly oversee inhumanly hazardous waste materials! UGH!
LAT Publisher despicable Mr. Austin Beutner doesn’t give 2 craps out of his vicious pet dog’s rectum if Exide poisons minority neighborhoods because Blacks and Browns hardly ever read his now absurdly-priced @ 2 Bucks a thrown copy newspaper! L.A. Times
‘The Sphinx that stinks lives up to his smells suspicious name…Again we The Spring Street Timesbots got scooped. This time by goddam HBO!
New York real estate scion (escaping out of his sarcophagus) Robert “The Accursed” Durst was arrested this past weekend in connection with the 2000 killing of crime writer Susan Berman. At the time of her death 15 years ago, Berman was believed to have information about the disappearance of Durst’s wife, a previous Durst murder victim!
This case has received great renewed attention thanks to HBO’s sleuthing documentary “The Jinx,” which focuses on Durst and his fatal connection to a trio of murders and the Durst under-his-breath murder confession! He’s now about to be indicted for murder! No thanks to the sleeping midget: L.A. Times
Disorganizing at precious LA Charter Schools…(If either of us, Walton or Grad, gave birth to a child eligible for a charter school, wouldn’t that be a damn MIRACLE!
Teachers at the largest charter school in Los Angeles are taking baby steps to organize, just like Communists did in the 30’s! That’s setting up a major battle between United Teachers of Los Angeles(UTLA) a vicious criminal organization made up entirely of convicted child molesters versus chosen by God Almighty- stainless charter schools, which have traditionally hired totally un-qualified scum suck staff that are not part of any muthaf*ckin’ union! Thank you and thank God! L.A. Times
L.A. STILL SMOLDERING FROM Da VINCI APARTMENTS UNSOLVED DOWNTOWN Freeway-adjacent MEGA-BLAZE MALICIOUS ARSON
L.A. as a tech schlub: While at the South by Southwest conference, Mayor “Little Ricky” Garcetti pitched Los Angeles the way loser executives pitch their failed start-ups. “You can’t afford to not invest in L.A. We have lotsa cramped space, like the burned-to-the-ground Da Vinci Apartment Complex unsolved arson site! We have Hyper-Weird weather! We also have a total lack of diversity on every single city block west of La Brea!” Mayor Garcetti is unsuccessfully trying to attract big investment from big investors Hollywood Reporter
Dirty Donations to even dirtier LA City Campaigns: Filthy Money plays the biggest role in dirty politics&elections as usual; but what happens when that dough comes in by the millions at the last minute,once the handful of registered voters who actually do show up to vote have already filled out their damn ballots?
That happened in Los Angeles’ most recent race where 40% of the bucks behind two sneaky Times-endorsed City Charter amendments that would cancel city elections days came in on election day or one day later…thanks to the clueless jerks serving on The LA CITY Ethics Commission,who enacted the toothless Election Rules that have blocked true democracy for many years! Goddammit! L.A. Times
STARK NAKED COURTS & FIG-LEAF covered-UP CRIMES
Diamonds are hardly FOREVER! Who really gives a crap that Elizabeth Taylor’s “Taj Mahal” diamond is at the center of a BS dispute between Christie’s auction house and the morbidly-obese Liz? The controversy is getting covered by yours truly, the similarly-shaped, Mr. Shelby Grad!
The movie star Taylor estate sold the diamond to some anonymous buyer shortly after the washed up actress kicked the bucket! However, the buyer later canceled the sale. HO-HO-HO-HUM!
Now, the auction house wants the estate to return those $7 million smackers it made outa the heart-shaped diamond. OMIGOD! SHOVE THAT GLITTERING ROCK YOU KNOW WHERE! L.A. Times
Text troubles for SFPD: Four hundred in the closet San Francisco police officers are officially under a D.C. Department “investigation” for allegedly sending hyper-vile racist and homophobic text messages to one another!
“It makes me sick to my stomach to even have these closet-case cops around me and touching me!” said PC Police Chief Greg Suhr.
So LASF has now decided to boot those racist SF pigs down here! The transplanted fuzz are all being handed out LA Skid Row Black Free Shooting Permits! BANG! BANG! BANG! ” Go Get THEM!”SF Locked Gate
This Officer is “a person of little interest” in the shooting: An off-duty LAPD Hispanic Rookie Policeman is considered scarcely a person of interest in the cold-blooded killing of some Latino Guy in Pomona. The on-the-lam LAPD cop has been missing since Friday and surely has crossed over the Border by now and is safe in Mexico!
CHECK OUT SFPD! WE HEAR THAT THEY JUST HIRED THAT ANGELENO ROOKIE KILLER COP YESTERDAY AND WILL USE HIM EXCLUSIVELY AS AN SF COP TRAINER! L.A. Times
DIRTY GOVERNMENT ON TOP OF Dirty LINEN POLITICS
Democrat vs. Democrat: Democrats are crucifying one another for a shitty little State Senate seat in the godforsaken East Bay. And a major sticking point is corrupt union support. “Like a crime family gathering where niceties suddenly give way to huge explosions of illegal drug-nurtured grievances! Everything has gone BAT SH*T up there!” L.A. Times
New Fixed rules in Sacramento: Assembly Minority Leader Kristin (Her sh*t don’t smell, honest!) Olsen wants to change the way that the State Legislature in Albany does its “CROOKED BIZNISS”! Her Majesty wants state leaders to move to a new two-year budget cycle,and state departments to practice “minus zero-based budgeting.” She also wants to cut down on the number of bills any state lawmaker can introduce in a two-year period to just one or maybe even fewer”
“I think every non-voting Californian would agree we don’t need any new laws that threaten the sacred vested interests of the big shot campaign contributors responsible for our election time and again! that’s Ms. Olsen with her big ugly loud mouth disgorging damn lie after damn lie! Sacramento “Stinger-less” Bee
Santa Monica’s exotic animals that live there including The semi-dreaded “Python Villaraigosa” Handlers would no longer be allowed to bring parrots, snakes,vultures, crab lice and other exotic creatures to Santa Monica’s beaches and parks and outdoor anonymous Gay-sex-trysting areas under an ordinance being considered by the dumb ass, do-nothing SM City Council! Elected officials say some handlers are much too aggressive and their man-eating animals pose big safety threats to LA tourists, who don’t necessarily want to be man-eaten alive! Screw em! L.A. Times
a bunch of BAD SPORTS
Marathon: Runner Daniel Limo of Kenya (whose middle name is not Hussein like Fellow Kenyan Bare Rack’s is) won The (“Who cares lately?) LA Marathon Sunday in 2 hours, 10 minutes, 35 seconds! Because the two winners are Black Africans, The hyper-racist LA Times spent most of its tedious Marathon coverage on the dozens of totally wasted quasi-suicidal white runners that got forced to desperately seek paramedical aid to save their lives along the dopey route! L.A. Times
Attention: White Guys who love to watch Black Basketball as long as the Black players don’t decide to move into their all white neighborhoods once those same Black guys graduate! UCLA just earned an in-again/out-again spot in the NCAA basketball tournament. The Bruins will briefly play against Southern Methodist,which is coached by purged because of the color of his skin former UCLA coach,Mr. Larry Brown. L.A. Times
CALIFORNIA Sick SICK SICK CULTURE
WeeWeeHo reigning feminist: West Hollywood is known as “GayBoysOnly” but its second longest-serving politician is a truly embarrassed for being a flaming heterosexual woman: Ms. Abbe Land who is now bailing out of the council after 123 years in office! During her relatively short tenure compared to the others on the Council with her, “Blabby” Abbé was an outspoken advocate for Gay men’s reproductive rights, and pushed West Hollywood to declare itself the first “pro-choice cut city” in 1993. L.A. Times
Everything New is Old again: One Orange County man has revived trademarks for lapsed brands, from Hydrox Cookies to Astro Pops. Now, he’s trying to do the same thing for forgotten Inedible merchandise such as: THE PREVIOUSLY-WORN GIL GARCETTI FOR ATTORNEY GENERAL MOTH-EATEN TEE SHIRTS FOUND BY THE DOZENS IN SON ERIC”S CLOSET, NEXT TO HIS GAY LOVER’S SOILED UNMENTIONABLES! Orange County Register
For today’s Stalk Back, we want your simpleton thoughts on wasting lotsa water. for the hell of it! There’s only a I year supply of water left in our polluted reservoirs! Does that stat really make you want to seriously inconvenience yourself in order to save a relatively small amount of water?
Do you already take shorter showers w/quicker periods for masturbation and forgo regular car washes; especially if you’re too damn poor to even own a car?
Share your pointless thoughts with us on Twitter with the tag @#InessentialCalifornia or send us an email: Then our lowliest intern here will quick scan your tweeting crap, looking only to spot threats before deleting the damn thing without a thought!
Alice (113 pounds soaking wet!) Walton and Shelby (314 pounds of blubber) Grad.
AND FINALLY who gives a crap that
Alpine County, the state’s least populous county, was established on this day way back in 1864. It is home to 1,159 souls, according to the 2013 estimate from the U.S. Census.
Please let us know what we can do to make this INESSENTIAL Newsletter, cranked out by completely inessential Alice Walton&completely inessential Shelby Grad, even less remotely useful to those pointlessly reading this hooey, who have so little else to occupy their “essentially” worthless time!
Send your definitely NOT to-be-read dumb comments…w/o any half-assed complaints, or your stupid bright ideas for improvement, please, to:
Alice (“I can’t stomach, Shelby!”) Walton or Shelby (“Amy’s just another stinky fish in the ocean!”) Grad!