No One Can Really Tell The Truth Like John Walsh
Dear Fair-Weather Friends with oodles of dough:
This morning with lots of worthless fanfare & BS I solemnly announced my already-shaky candidacy for the Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors in front of the scum suck mainstream media.
This big election is too important for me to sit with my ugly tongue hanging out of my big trap while observing the messy goings-on, sitting off to the sidelines on my ugly, scummy Republican ass!
For the first time in over 30 son of a bitchin’ years there is no all powerful incumbent seeking re-election in this godforsaken district, and the stakes couldn’t be higher for someone like big shot me, who is currently staring L.A. City Council term-limits in the face to make out like a bandit!
The next L.A. County Supervisor will be expected to overturn the already weak reforms of the Sheriffs’ Department; turn a blind eye toward the mounting corruption at the County Healthcare and Child Welfare systems while casting crucial votes on crap like public safety, economic development, and most importantly, the supervision of the County’s horribly-swollen $27 billion budget. Don’t fret! I’ll see to it that my most financially generous supporters — like you now have a chance to become — receive a healthy portion of that hard cash L.A. County poison pie I get to carve up with the 4 other piggy Supervisors!
I pledge to work off-stage with our brave County Firefighters to rig the emergency response times with Fire STAT-LA the very same way they rigged their own LAFD promotion examinations!
I’m forever taking a deep bow in front of a mirror for having greatly reduced taxes on Big Business so that they no longer have to pay their fair share…and for failing repeatedly to cut red tape in doing any goddam thing at a County office or bringing low paying jobs to Los Angeles County! Don’t forget while at City Council I helped author the first “genuine” public employee pension “phony” reform in decades … with the LAPD making out like retirement bandits in the bargain!
(Do you like that cutie-pie pose of mine to the right with Little Me pretending to be an Honest-To God-Pig/Cop with a real pair of big balls between my oinker legs?)
I have woefully failed to protect DWP ratepayers on the municipal level by allowing power and water fees to skyrocket, consistently promoting laughably bogus conservation efforts, and I pledge if elected to never fail to neglect every genuine opportunity to lead efforts to push for even more “illusionary” accountability and transparency outa your jerk-off L.A. County government agencies!
As an always on-the-take public official, crappy community leader, and proud illegitimate father, I have tepidly supported efforts to keep at-risk minority youth on the right path … meaning way the hell out of my lilly-white Valley neighborhood by supporting still-born anti-gang programs, false mentorships for dangerous Henderson-type Black youth, and organizing non-existent kiddie recreational opportunities affording my friends generous no-show job opportunities!
After vastly outspending.my dumb opponents to win political office in the past, I unsuccessfully tried to build weakling coalitions to save tens of thousands of fire stations right here across L.A. County, and actually blackmailed Providence Hospital to give my own family and close political allies free as well as preferential medical treatment there!
I have the all-important second, third and fourth-hand experience that no other of my dopey Supervisor candidate rivals has in this race. I owned a now bankrupt small business and I know what it means to forge a signature on the front of a paycheck as well as the back of a paycheck!
I will fight cravenly once elected to erect more major roadblocks to economic growth in the County. As a lame ass Valley L.A. City Councilman. I instinctively know where government works at its most inefficient and, of course, where all the bodies are buried! Therefore you can always count on me to studiously head toward those very areas!
If I fool enuff voters to triumph electorally, I shall concentrate where government works most inefficiently and shakedown any honest office-holder who gets in my way for plenty of bribes and kickbacks!
Finally, I am also honored to serve as a Reserve Los Angeles Police Officer where I pretend to be a Real Cop and threaten the lives of minority males, working side by side with the actually disturbingly racist LASD men and women ,who never cease failing to protect our Minority Youth every damn day of the week.
As L.A. County Supervisor, I will continue to falsify the record for the San Fernando Valley to suit Corrupt Pols in order to weaken and neglect the Antelope as well as The Crescenta, The Santa Clarita, The San Gabriel as well as The Jolly Green Giant Valleys.
Nearly 2 million easily misled fools live in this 5th Supervisor District, which borders Ventura County to the west, Kern County to the north, San Bernardino County to the east and Hades to the West!
However … In addition to the enormous size of the 5th District, Los Angeles is the most incredibly expensive media market in the damn country. It will take significant financial resources to buy enough commercial time to inundate enough registered boobs sitting in front of their boob tubes to win this utterly unfair contest!
Sufficient numbers of 5th District stupid, ass voters are very hard to corral for victory!
So … I am getting down on my knobby male Monica Lewinsky-type knees, pleading with you to please click here and here over and over again and again to donate serious moolah to my greedy, greedy, greedy Board of Supes campaign.
You can also sign up to obediently volunteer, or post a ludicrous lawn sign on your unsuspecting neighbor’s property & host a deadly dull neighborhood coffee meet & greet or write stupid letters and moronic emails to your nincompoop friends beseeching them to blindly endorse my accursed candidacy!
Anything long and green that you can stuff in my treasure chest will help spread my seductive message far and wide so we can make L.A. County a better place for yours truly to live, work and raise a rich, spoiled family in … at the ultimate expense of everybody else around here!
I scarcely look forward to communicating with and sharing your bright ideas throughout this threatening-to-be endless campaign and earning your kiss-ass quasi-lukewarm support to become the next LA County Supervisor!
Thank you in advance for absolutely nothing up till now except for your currently monetary-deficient consideration!
Give till it hurts! Dammit! And then give till it spurts!
B.S.: I am pretending to be more than grateful to you for the wishy-washy/wimpy early support that I have garnered from the so-called community leaders like yourself at the start of this potentially fizzlling campaign of mine!
I am asking you to transform your previous worthless words of support into hard cash by pulling out & opening that big fat wallet of yours and forking over to yours truly at least 2 thousand clams immediately! Okay?
And don’t bother to report to the Government that hefty financial contribution of yours that’s destined to land in my deep, deep pockets to partially personally purchase dope and hookers!
Remember! Everything around here involving campaign bucks is strictly un-official and way off the financial books!